i will be

The last week has been a great one for my training. After a successful hill walk last Sunday, I was motivated to go to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday morning and I was feeling really good for it. I am learning that I shouldn't let myself be daunted by the big picture, every small improvement counts and will help me in my trek.

An example. I was encouraged a few days ago when walking to the pub with my flatmate when she told me I was walking too fast and that I needed to slow down. Me! I think she was about as shocked by this as I was, as a general rule I can't even pretend to keep up with her pace.

Yesterday I got up relatively early (for a Saturday) and took myself to the gym. I decided to push myself a little and increased the levels on each of the machines I use. By the end of the hour I was about ready to drop, but it was the good kind of exhausted that left me feeling completely satisfied and kind of amazing.

Then, disaster struck. I started sneezing and sniffling and by the time I had walked home and had a shower I was feeling like complete and utter crap. There was no denying it, I had caught a cold from one of my colleagues (I car share with her, I suppose it was inevitable). My plans for doing some hill walking today were cancelled, which was probably for the best because I headed to bed early last night and slept for 16 hours, before spending the rest of my weekend dozing on the sofa feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Something tells me that I probably won't be making the trip to the gym I had planned after work tomorrow.

It's incredibly frustrating, because I have had such a good week exercise wise, and I really felt like I was beginning to turn a corner. I know that a cold is only going to hold me back a few days, but I was keen to keep the momentum going, seeing as my motivation has been very up and down recently and my trekking partner in crime, Ms Motivator, is currently abroad.

While the exercise is starting to improve, I am struggling to find the time to make all the fundraising plans that I had promised Katie I would work on while she is away. I told myself that I would sit and make some proper plans this weekend, but then when I started feeling so pathetic and sorry for myself I decided instead to curl up under a blanket and wallow. That has got to be my focus for the next week. I want Katie to see that I have done something positive when she gets back. As yet, I have done nothing.

Time to stop my wallowing (the Tom Waits isn't helping) and get a decent night's sleep before tackling the small problem of raising £3000 tomorrow.

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That's not really funny

Time is moving faster than I can keep up. I'm not really feeling any fitter and that scares me a little, but if I'm really honest I know that I haven't been training hard enough lately. Life has been a little hectic and my exercise routine was the first thing to suffer.

I had a long conversation with flatmate this weekend and vented a lot of the stuff that has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. She reminded me that I'm not someone who fails when I put my mind to something, and I have to admit that I do feel a little better about things for talking to her about it all.

She helped me come up with a plan of action and will support me as much as she can over the next few months. I suffer from depression which can at times be crippling, and sometimes I need someone like flatmate to give me a slight kick up the arse and push me to do what I know is good for me. Today we started by going on a walk. I had actually left the house with the intention of going to the gym, but before I reached the end of our road, Fi-Fi walked round the corner and insisted that the day was far too beautiful to spend in a gym. So off on a walk we went.

We had only been walking for a few minutes when Fi-Fi pointed out our destination at the top of a distant hill. I have to admit that at that point I honestly didn't think I would make it so far, but the day was beautiful and I had to start somewhere, so I decided to stop being freaked out by the big picture and just take it a step at a time, see where that got me.

We first tried walking along a public footpath through fields, until we discovered that the farmer had taken down all the signs and clearly didn't want to encourage walkers. There were a few dicey moments as we got a little closer to the farmhouse than we had anticipated and the sound of barking dogs was putting us both on edge. Eventually we spotted a public footpath sign which was thankfully taking us back onto a road. That would be the last 'off road' portion of our walk, which was a little annoying as there was a lot of traffic heading up the hill to a well known local beauty spot, I suppose unsurprising on a sunny Sunday morning/afternoon.

I suppose my fitness is showing slight improvement, because the one thing I have noticed is that while I still get really out of breath just walking up a bit of a slope, my recovery time is so much quicker. A few seconds rest and I'm almost back to normal. You have to start somewhere, so I'm holding on to that.

Eventually, we reached the top of the hill and our destination. I couldn't believe that we had made it so far and that I was feeling pretty much fine. It helped that I was greeted with this view. The crap camera on my phone doesn't do it justice.

 

By this point we had been walking for a couple of hours and flatmate was starting to get hungry, so we headed back . By the time we got home I was exhausted, but happily so. The plan is to make our walk a regular thing, and I really appreciate the fact that she's going to help me through this.

Tomorrow my plan is to head to the gym after work, get the new week off to the right start.

how am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Ms Motivator has been teaching me about 'yoof' music. The title of this post comes from a song she told me to listen to by Bastille. I liked it. I'm like, well down with the kids. Totes. Etc. 

The last week has involved one visit to the gym, a couple of hours lugging computers up and down stairs in our office move and unloading a delivery of 45 heavy boxes of leaflets. Ideally I would have liked to fit in another gym visit, but once again life and circumstance just seemed to get in the way and I'm choosing to count the lifting of stuff at work as an extra workout.

The one thing I did do was go on a walk with the flatmate (let's call her Fi-Fi here from now on) up Leckhampton Hill. I have to be honest, at points I felt like I was going to die and we didn't even walk that far (Fi-Fi thinks maybe 6 miles, max?), but I'm choosing to blame the exhaust fumes I was breathing in. Once we got off the main road I certainly found it a little easier, but I know I have a long way to go to be mountain-fit.

I refuse to lose heart and let myself be beaten down by my doubts and an incredible lack of self esteem. Yesterday I had some moments of panic, because if I can't walk up a hill now then how the hell am I going to survive 3 days trekking? But the thing I have to keep reminding myself is that they are just stupid doubts. If there is one thing you need to know about me, it is this. When I set my mind to something, I don't give up. Some people say I am brave, others think I am stubborn and a few just incredibly stupid. Whichever of those characteristics is closest to the truth (I suspect stupidity), I am a fighter and I am going up this bloody mountain if it kills me.

We have eight months. A lot can be done in that time.

In fundraising news, I met Ms Motivator after work today to discuss our plans. We don't know each other well, but if I didn't already know it before, it was cemented in my mind that she is the right person to do this with because she walked into my flat this evening and got excited by my collection of Russian literature, and she is also a little bit in love with my straight-crush, Benedict Cumberbatch (I have a Sherlock calendar in my kitchen, much to the horror of my flatmate who is convinced everyone will think she is the one who fancies him, what with me being 'a gay' and all. She shouldn't worry though, my love for Benedict is well documented. I even have the t-shirt).

Anyway, as well as being the motivator, she also has a key role in being the organiser and the ideas person, because I am just generally a little bit incompetent. We decided that our first fundraising endeavour should be a cake sale, because she is swanning off to Africa in a couple of weeks and I almost hyperventilated at the thought of trying to organise some other kind of event in the fortnight before she leaves. Cakes are good. Cakes are easy. And if there is one thing I know my colleagues love, it is cake (we work for the NHS, this is fairly standard).

So. I will make some of my flapjack for sure, because I know my lot kind of like it. If any of my colleagues who happen upon this post have any other requests, let me know (within reason - time is a factor and alas there is no way I will have time for millionaire shortbread) and I shall see what I can do.

This is another call-out to my Sanger House/EJC buddies. If anyone else would like to donate a little time and energy to bake cakes for us to sell, please let me or Katie know.

As for the rest of you, watch this space because when Katie returns from Africa we'll be talking wine tasting, auction, quiz night and the ultimate Sanger House vs EJC Ten Pin Bowling match.

It's going to be fun, dudes.

In the mean time... SPONSOR US!!!!