panic on the streets of Cheltenham

anx·i·e·ty

noun, distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

If there is one subject I am an expert on, it’s anxiety (and 20^th century history, but that’s irrelevant at the moment).

Anxiety is my mortal enemy, it has plagued my life for the last 10 years. At times, it has been my only constant, my only friend, and the perfect excuse to hide from the world and not even try. It destroyed my life when I left University and had a breakdown. It took me a long time to fight my way back from that; I couldn’t eat, sleep, leave the house or even be on my own for more than a few minutes at a time. It controlled every inch of me.

You think you know me. You think I’m just a bit of a miserable cow, you tell me to smile, cheer up, it might never happen. You tell me to just chill out. But you don’t know me. You don’t know what I have been through, the crippling depression I have dealt with (and still often do). You don’t know how often I find it hard to even get out of bed in the morning, or do the things I have to in order to lead a ‘normal’ life.

I can go months without feeling any anxiety at all. It lulls you into this false sense of security, to the point where you think you’ve got the bastard beaten, though you never really do. You think you’re coping fine and then suddenly you realise that you have pushed yourself too hard, things are starting to overwhelm you and you have to take some kind of action before things get out of hand again. I’m good at picking up on those signs now, and I am always prepared to do what needs to be done to stop myself from spiralling.

So you see, I know anxiety. I know how it feels, I recognise the signs, that familiar lump in my throat, that weight on my chest and sense of unreality as my breathing gets quicker and my head starts to spin. I know what causes it, what tiny little thoughts I didn’t even realise had passed through my brain to trigger the overwhelming feeling of ‘oh my god I have got to run away I cannot do this, I cannot do this, I cannot do this…’

Those thoughts have been creeping in over the last couple of weeks as the day gets ever closer. There are so many things to worry about, all building up to overwhelm me. I’m scared of flying. I’m worried about food. I’m worried about being in a foreign country for 6 days. I’m worried I’m not fit enough, that I won’t make it to the top. I’m terrified that I will have an anxiety attack halfway up the mountain. I’m scared I will be affected by altitude sickness. I’m scared of letting Katie down, of letting down the people who have sponsored us. Basically, I’m just plain worried.

The other day I went to the gym and anxiety stopped me from doing more than half an hour on the treadmill. Today at work I started to panic about all the things I still have to do to get ready, the equipment I need to get, the things I need to organise and the training I still need to do. I’ve been getting overwhelmed again, and as much as I know how to deal with that, there is always that initial period of sticking my head in the sand and trying to avoid, avoid, avoid, until I realise what I’m doing and give myself a mental slap round the face. So today I started to get my act together, had lunch with Katie, talked through a few things and started to formulate a plan of action.  

This is a difficult post to write, because even as I sit here and type I can feel the familiar tightening in my throat as anxiety takes over. But you see there is something I have learned in these last 10 years and that is to “just keep swimming”. I read a lot of self-help books during my many attempts at recovery and a lot of it was useless toss, but there was one phrase which has stuck with me more than any other and has swiftly become my motto for life; feel the fear and do it anyway.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

It works, you know. In the years since I adopted that motto I have conquered my fear of flying (mostly), before getting on a plane alone and flying to the States. I’ve applied for jobs I didn’t think I could get, and got them. I’ve put myself through the torture of internet dating (albeit very briefly) and meeting new people. I have stopped running away from a relationship that means a lot to me and finally allowed myself to be happy. And I’ve signed up with a friend to trek through the Atlas Mountains in Morocco in 15 days.

I’ve been through a lot these last 10 years, but I sit here now, 29 years old and a stronger person than I have ever been. A happier person that I have ever been. Anxiety has arguably never had less control over my life. And you know what, I’m going to make it to the top of this mountain and I’m going to stand there with a dear friend and I’m going to say this: ‘fuck you, anxiety. I made it’.  

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. 

Try it. I dare you

18 days to go

18 days to go.

Plans for this weekend didn't quite go as we had hoped, but I did manage to fit in a trip to the gym yesterday followed by a 10 mile walk from Nailsworth to Stroud and back again today. It was a pretty good walk; lots of hills and at times it was painful but by the time we got back I was still feeling pretty good on it. I was a little worried because one of the friends we went with would stride ahead at speed, but I kept to my own pace and refused to rush. In a few weeks I'm doing this three days running and stamina is what's going to matter most, not who can get to the top first. It wasn't great for my morale, but I'm sure I'll get over it.

So, with so little time to go now, Jo has been pushing me to go to the gym or walk every day after work. Already this is proving difficult, because we have an appointment to look at a flat tomorrow (we are desperate to move now - slight issues with our current place making it difficult to put up with being here). But hopefully we'll be done at the flat early enough to make it possible to head up Leckhampton Hill, and I'll try to get to the gym Wednesday or Thursday.

This week I also need to sit down and really read the itinerary for the trip and all the boring crap like that. I've been avoiding it for weeks now, but I guess now is the time to stop living in denial and get myself ready. That also means shopping for some bits for my kit (clothes, mainly). There is just too much to do and not enough time to fit it in.

Panic, panic, panic, panic...

there goes the fear

I've mentioned this before, but I'm a determined (stubborn) woman.

This evening I had my Typhoid and Hep A injections.

I am so glad that's over.

I'll be back with a proper update soon, but for now, I think me facing my fears means I deserve some sponsorship... Sponsor us here.

Thanks

x

the fear is here

It seems like only yesterday I wrote this post about my fear of needles and shared with you the many embarrassing tales of freak-outs and 'incidents' that litter my past. This morning the moment I have been avoiding for almost 8 months arrived and with a little bit of 'mothering' I finally stopped procrastinating and booked an appointment to have my 'urghs' (Hep A and Typhoid).

My appointment is next Wednesday evening, and there will be no getting out of it unless my boss tells me I can't leave the office early (please, please, please...). Unfortunately, my partner is more terrified of needles than me (hence referring to them as 'urghs'; you can't utter the word in her presence), and while she has very sweetly said she will drive me to my appointment (I wasn't even expecting that...), she can't come in with me to hold my hand. I am therefore hoping that Ms Motivator will be able to come with me, as we are due to go on to the travel clinic just afterwards to talk about altitude sickness and other such exciting things. And, well, last time I had an injection I had to be physically pushed into the room. Ahem.

We leave for Morocco a month tomorrow. Look to the countdown in the sidebar, it's a frighteningly low number. Training is going alright, on Saturday Jo and I covered about 15 miles and last night we did a tiny, tiny, less than 2 mile walk up a hill. Even if I only cover small distances, my aim is to keep doing exercise on consecutive days. As ever, life keeps getting in the way, but any training I do now is something, at least.

Fundraising is looking healthy. Current total as I type is £3620. Katie and I would really appreciate it if you would help get that figure to £4000.

While talking to some colleagues at lunch the other day, we had a genius fundraising idea. Sadly I don't think it's something we could organise in the few short weeks left until the trek, and I'm not sure even my 'charm' and sweet-talking skills could have made it happen. Basically, my plan was to get senior members of staff to agree to let people pay £1 to throw wet sponges at them. After all, who wouldn't want to throw a sponge at a director?

Unfortunately, the directors weren't too keen on my plan and I had firm 'no's' from the Chair, Deputy Clinical Chair, Governance Manager and Engagement bod. Personally, I think this is very short-sighted of them, as a sure way to win the respect of your team would be to join in the fun for a good cause. But oh well. I probably won't give up on the idea and will try to get something going for after the trek. Two people have said they will do it, but they aren't quite senior enough. I'm aiming high, I want a director!

A few days ago I told you I was feeling cautiously optimistic. Today I would describe as 'determined'. Once I set my mind to something, I do not fail. A couple of weeks ago, someone in a meeting described me (jokingly), as a Rottweiler. My aim for the next month is to keep that in my mind, remember that I never fail, and just keep swimming (or, uh, walking).

I'm going to keep on writing as regularly as possible for the next few weeks, giving you updates and keeping this trek in your mind, in the hope that it inspires you to put your hands in your pockets to donate.

The two blondes fundraising page can be found here. Spread the word!

this one's optimistic?

Apart from the odd couple of days of rain and misery, the weather has been absolutely beautiful since Jo and I got back from our holiday. For what feels like the first time in years, we've had a bit of a 'summer', so I have been making the most of the sunshine and getting a lot of walking done.

Even on days when exercise is the last thing I want to do, Jo and I will force ourselves to go on a walk. If possible, we will walk up a hill, but the walking is the bit that matters most, so even wandering around in Bristol last weekend was beneficial (Bristol, after all, is not exactly flat) and the walk up to my aunt's house where we were staying was painful but great for the training.

I haven't been to the gym much, because I have just felt the need to get out in the sunshine, but I'm trying to get into a routine of doing exercises before bed each evening, including sit-ups, squats etc. We'll see how that goes, but I'm sure with Jo nagging me I'll keep going. She is the one who keeps me going, she comes on walks with me all the time, she pushes me to work hard, she soothes my fears and panics. I don't know what I'd do without her. But don't tell her I said that, she'll get a big head.

With 35 days to go, I am flitting between nervousness, excitement, frustration and a hundred other feelings. I have had days when I've felt so overwhelmed I don't know what to do with myself. When I do have those moments, Katie or Jo will calm me down. I don't really know how Katie is feeling about everything at the moment, life has been so hectic for both of us I feel like we've been a little out of touch, even though we talk at work all the time. We are supposed to have lunch together next week, so I'm looking forward to that.

My weekend plans involve a big walk, and after work this evening we did a short 2.68 mile 'stroll'. I put in a call to my GP surgery, asking a nurse to call me to discuss what jabs I need. As yet, she hasn't called, so I need to be brave and chase that up next week. And I also made an appointment to talk about altitude sickness and other such things at the travel clinic.

I am starting to pull all the equipment together that I need.

Our current total stands at just under £3400.

Today is a day I feel cautiously optimistic.